You're My End And My Beginning
by cityofidiots
Summary: "It had been a year, a long painful, empty year without you."


It had been a year, a long painful, empty year without you.

I keep going to the river to pray, because I need something can wash out the pain, the pain of you no longer being here. It doesn't get any easier as each day comes and goes like the switch of a light. You know I am not the religious type, but these days it keeps me sane to a degree. There's eyes everywhere watching my every move to make sure I'm not going to do something stupid, who knows; one day I might do something stupid just so I can be with you forever.

This is the only peace I get when I'm out here, sleeping doesn't count because I only sleep away the demons that haunt my dreams and at times the ghost of you keeps me awake. Sometimes I can feel you there, when my hand picks up a stele or a pencil when I want to draw; I mostly try to draw you like I always did, but even that can not capture your beauty. It never has and even if it did, it wouldn't do any justice.

Everything reminds me of you, the training room, the library, your room, my room, even the park where we spent time together. I can't stand being around Alec, Isabelle or even Magnus because the pain hurts too much knowing that they're family and a friend - if you could call Magnus a friend, but he's a friend to me. I haven't seen Simon for a while, though I do suspect that he's around Isabelle when she isn't keeping an eye out on me; I kind of thank him for staying away until I am ready to talk, it's a shame that no one else can do the same.

Luke and mom have gone mad with trying to get me out my shell to open up and talk about how I feel; as much as I want to, I can't. Talking won't bring you back, talking won't make the pain hurt any less or go away; all it will do is remind me that you're not coming back that you're gone forever and they'll probably tell me that I'll move on one day. But the truth is, I don't want to move on, I don't want to wake up one day and switch this off and get up like nothing happened. I can't do that, I can't do that to your memory and I quite like to have your memory of you live forever and not be forgotten or be replaced by someone else. There will be no one else because I have not loved anyone as much as I have loved you. There will never be another you in this world.

I watch the river flow and the lamp posts come on as their lights eliminate the pathway behind me, in the distance there's a dog barking either begging for it's owners attention or because it's spooked itself, I hear people talking a few feet away, their feet crunching the autumn leaves beneath their feet as they go. They sound like a couple madly in love and it makes me feel sick. I wrinkle my nose and scrunch myself and sigh quietly. After a few minutes, the couple is gone and I am by myself again, I know soon that either Luke, mom or whoever is in the house will come and try to get me back inside before I catch my death. I wish they wouldn't, I wouldn't mind catching my death if it meant being with you, I'd prefer that than living on this earth without you.

I wonder where you are at times, is there a world after this world, is there heaven, is there hell? If there's heaven and hell, I hope you are in heaven, because you are an angel. The best angel I've seen even if you don't think so. I can't help but think back to the times where you thought you were a demon and that you were a bad person and would be like Valentine; I'm glad that as wrong and that you're a good person - well minus the fact when you were Sebastian little minion; I know that wasn't your fault. But I knew there was good inside of you somewhere, it just had to be found, and you found it. We could do with more good people like you in this world.

I spend half my time thinking of what I loved about you, that smart mouth of yours, your determination of not giving up, your hair, your golden eyes, your smile and your demeanor. All of me just loved all of you, without question even if my mom did not like it.

You were my everything and you always will be.

You Jace, are my end and my beginning and that will never change.

Even as I grow older, you're my downfall and my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues. With every season change, I will always think of you no matter what.

I hope that if things were different you'd be doing what I am doing now, holding onto that last string that connects me to you; you'd refuse to let go until it was your time to go. If you didn't, I wouldn't mind. I know some people do like to move on from their last love; but I won't.

I'm happy that you gave me all of you in the time you had because I couldn't ask for anything better. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Magnus said losing the first love is always the worst, he's probably right, not that I gave him any indication that he was right; I just stared at him and walked out the room. I can't deal with people's speeches about loss and how we'll he get through it together; I know everyone loved you but they didn't love you like I love you; there's a difference, they think they know what I'm going through but they don't. They're not the ones who have to wake up in a empty bed everyday and remember that you're not going to be on that side of the bed anymore, who wrap their arms around me and hold me close like you did. They don't know what it feels like.

Because it feels like I've had my heart ripped out of my chest, stamped on until it was nothing but tiny pieces and then given back to me like it was no big deal; like I was meant to put it back together there and then. I don't think my heart will fit back together like it used to, it won't be the same. It won't beat fast ever again, especially when you looked at me with a smile on your face, now it just feels like I don't have one, I probably don't because I just feel so hollow inside; like something is missing. Something is missing, I keep reminding myself; you're missing and you always will be.

All I can think about is the day you were gone, I woke up that morning, with you lying on your side. I thought nothing of it at first that maybe you were still asleep, I watched you lie there with a smile on my face for a few minutes before leaving the bed and the room itself to get start on breakfast; I thought I could surprise you with breakfast in bed. After cooking it, I came back to the room with a tray, I placed it on the small table beside the bed; I looked back down at you and you were still asleep, normally the smell of food would have woken you up; it always did. I knelled beside the bed and shook you by the shoulder saying your name over and over again, but you still wouldn't wake. My hand moved to your face to find it stone cold, like ice and pale, a thread of veins on your cheek. I kept saying your name over and over again to get you to wake up but it wasn't working; I thought this was some sick joke that you planned and that any moment you would wake up and laugh in my face, your eyes bright and lively. With my free hand, I reached for the phone that was lying next to it's charger on the floor; it was your phone. I called the last person you called and I guess it must have been Isabelle, I wasn't paying much attention to who's voice I was listening to when they picked up, but it most likely a female voice; I was too busy staring at you.

What felt like a whole day, the person who I called came to the house and into our room. I heard a gasp and felt someone lean next to me talking to me, but I wasn't hearing the words, my mind was numb; I was numb. My hand still on your cheek, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, I could feel them wanting to spill over te rim of my eyes but I wouldn't let them. Whoever was next to me, grabbed my hand that was on your cheek and forced me to look at them. I blinked my eyes and let a few tears fall, I was right, it was Isabelle who answered my call; she looked at me with pure sadness in her eyes. I haven't seen that look in here eyes since Max died. It was a rare sight to see from Isabelle. She came closer to me and wrapped her arms around me as if she was protecting me from something, from what, I do not know. Her breathed fanned my hair that was behind my shoulder before she moved to look at me in the eyes. She pursed her lips together for a moment, before saying she was sorry; saying sorry for what I don't know, I tilted my head to the side and looked at her confused for a second before looking back at you, your face was still pale, your lips were an odd colour, your eyelids still, it was eerie to see someone so still, someone so perfect to lie there and not move at all. I looked back at Isabelle again, and she looked straight back at me, saying sorry again.

Slowly, it was all making sense, although I didn't want it to make sense; I still want it to be a joke that you would wake up in a second; or that I would wake up and find out that it was a nightmare. But it wasn't. I could hear Isabelle saying that you were gone and that you wouldn't be waking up at all, telling me that it looked like you were gone hours ago, died in your sleep. That was enough to make me crumble and make the tears come down my face even more; her telling me sorry over and over again. Sorry wasn't going to make this better, sorry wasn't going to make you come back and wake up; sorry wasn't going to fix this. I let her pull me into a bone crushing hug, I couldn't move, I was too shocked to even function; I thought I wouldn't function again.

After awhile, I felt Isabelle move away from me, saying that she had to call Alec and let him know and everyone else. I didn't bother answering her, I just turned back to you and looked at your face. You looked so peaceful that it hurt, what was I going to do without you here? What was I going to do now? You were meant to be with me forever and you were gone before we could even start that forever.

If I could have done anything, I would have gone to Magnus and ask him to fix this, fix you and have you back here with me. I would have done anything to bring you back to me. But there is nothing to fix this, no potion of Magnus', no rune, no .

Isabelle came back after she had finished calling everyone. and that they all would be round soon. I just nodded, not moving my eyes from your face. The face of Angel.

There was still a small part of me that refused to believe that you were gone but the other parts knew that it was true.

Everyone came like they said they would. Alec, Magnus, Simon, Mom, Luke, Maryse and even Robert came. I was surprised to see Robert here; he barely leaves Idris from what I heard from the last couple of months. Not that it bothered me, I barely spoke to him; but he had raised you when you were growing up so it was only fitting I guess.

I heard my mom say my name as she moved next to me and pulled me into her, her hand brushing my hair in a soothing motion; it felt odd to me, but I didn't stop her. I moved my eyes from your face and looked at everyone else who stood crowded around the edge of the bed.

Alec was crying, his eyes rimmed red already, I felt truly sorry for him; he lost his only _parabatai_, Magnus had his arm around his shoulders pulling him close to his chest as if to soften the pain; I knew that wouldn't help and Magnus had a blank expression on his face but I knew deep down he was just trying to be strong for Alec because Alec needed him more than anything now. Maryse had a hand covering her mouth as tears slowly travelled down her face, Simon looked sad but he wasn't crying, Robert looked lost like he wasn't sure what he was witnessing was true, Luke had his lips tight, grief was written over his face; he had grown to like you over the couple of months and lastly I looked at Isabelle, strong Isabelle; her hands were in tight fists at her side, there was a tear rolling down her cheek smudging what was her perfect eye make-up. All these people were here because they loved you in their each own way. They came because they didn't want to believe what Isabella had told them was true and that she was lying, maybe they even thought it was a sick twisted joke that you were playing. But they know now that it is true, that you are well and truly gone from this world and now they have to say their goodbyes.

I shake my head and move away from my mom, she looks down at me before standing up herself and offering me her hand to help me stand up, I take her hand and felt her pull me up, I gave you one last look before looking at everyone else and I left the room, leaving everyone to say what they wanted to say to you. I didn't want to hear how sorry they were that you were gone, how much they were going to miss you or even them saying goodbye to you. I go to the room that was a like a small library, and settled into one of the arm chairs near the window as I waited for everyone to finish. I looked out the window, as the wind ruffled through the leaves that was in the front garden, the leaves were slowly turning yellow and gold with the season changing to autumn and soon autumn will be winter, a cycle that never stops or slows down for anyone.

I hear a cough from the doorway that snaps me back to reality, Alec and Magnus stood there; their expressions somber. Alec had managed to stop crying for now, I'm sure when Magnus and he were alone he would be crying again and he'd have Magnus there for. The thought of that made me want to smile but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I stared at them before standing up and walked over to them, Magnus grabbed me with the hand that wasn't holding Alec's and pulled me to his side giving me a half hug and Alec did the same. The three of us could hear voices down the hallway, I could tell who was talking; Maryse, Robert, Luke and my Mom; they were talking about what do with your body. I knew what was going to happen, we had to burn you body. It's Shadowhunter tradition, there was no way of escaping this and I couldn't say no, your ashes will be used in the Silent City; I remember when you told me that when you took me down to the Silent City the day after we met.

That seems like a long time ago now, another life.

I pull away from Magnus and Alec, and walk past Magnus where there was gap that was next to him. I walk up to where the dour adults are talking, they turn to look at me, pity is in their eyes, I fold my hands across my chest and wait for them to speak to me.

My mom says that they're going to move your body soon, move it to the institute where it would be safer to burn without catching the attention of the mundanes. I nodded not knowing what to say or do, I didn't want to walk back into the bedroom because I knew I wouldn't leave and there was a chance that I would tell them they couldn't touch or move you, I didn't want that to happen, I didn't want to hurt them more than what they were hurting right now; that would be unfair on them and on me. I didn't even want to get out of my pajamas and put on normal clothes, I'm sure no one else expected me to either, but I knew I couldn't go out without a hoodie or something to keep away the chill of the weather off my shoulders and arms, I decided to go on the hunt for one. It didn't take long, there was one in the laundry room, it was clean and it was yours. It smelled like you and that suited me just fine.

I shrugged the hoodie on and moved towards the entryway of the house, there was a lot of movement upstairs, I could hear Magnus, Isabelle, Simon and Alec talking amongst themselves as they started to make their way downstairs. I wasn't in the way as I stood near the door that lead to the basement, after they came down the last stair, all four of them smiled at me and the proceeded to stand next to me; not long after that I could hear the others start to move down the stairs, it was quiet and soon enough I could see that they had wrapped you body in the bed-sheet as if they sight of your cold, pale body would frighten me. They were wrong.

Isabelle moved to open the front door for them, and they stepped out into the autumn air, the four of us followed suit. Outside I could see Luke's track and two cars I didn't recognise, one probably belonged to Maryse and the other probably belonged to Magnus, who could have "borrowed" it for a small time. They put your body in the back of Luke's truck, it was the only vehicle that had the space for someone lying down. After putting your body in the back, Luke and mom started to get in the front of the truck, Maryse went to her car and got in; Robert and Isabelle and Simon in suit. Alec and Magnus went to the other car and got in.

That left me.

With a small sigh, I walked over towards Luke's truck and got in sitting next to my mom who put her arm behind my shoulders. I looked at her for a second before looking out the small window behind the cab of the truck and stared at your body as Luke started the truck and followed everyone else in the direction of the institute. I didn't take my eyes off your body until it was time to get out the truck.

The moment was coming and it was coming too soon for my liking. There would only be half an hour left before your body would be nothing but ashes as if you did not exist. I wasn't ready for this and there was no way I could prevent this from happening.

No one was ready for death, no one ready for what happened after that; no one was ready for anything that happened in life and that life itself was a curve ball, a lesson we all had to learn.

As we all walked towards the side of the institute, where the garden was, I saw two Silent Brothers; their eyes sewed shut along with their lips, their parchment robes hoods covering their head and most of their faces. They turned their heads as they saw us, Maryse walked up to them, talking to them; they were obviously having a private conversation with her otherwise I would have heard what they were saying to her in my head.

Turning my gaze away from the scene, I stared ahead and saw what looked like a scene for a bonfire. Branches, hay and twigs cover a small area of the garden. On top looked like a altar that you would find in a church, but the altar's in churches are marble and this one was made of wood. I saw Luke and Robert place your body on the altar and remove the bed-sheet that they had wrapped you in.

Luke then moved towards where mom was standing and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close, just looking at the two of them like that made me feel sick. On the other side of the makeshift bonfire, I saw Magnus and Alec looking exactly the same as Luke and mom; I quickly looked away.

I moved towards Isabelle, who stood near Simon, their hands touching by their fingertips. I didn't feel jealous or anything as they two of them haven't defined their relationship yet, but there would be a day when they would.

I could see the two Silent Brothers move, one of them was holding what seemed like a torch and it was light with fire, he moved towards the bonfire as Maryse and Robert joined the circle, they stood a part like they always did whenever I saw the two of them together.

It didn't seem fitting to say _Ave Atque Vale _as there was one with you when you died, I mean I was but I didn't know it and it doesn't seem fitting to wear white. But what is fitting, is that you burn, like you did when you had the heavenly fire inside of you. That was comforting in the smallest yet odd way possible.

Maryse nodded to the Silent Brother who held the burning torch, he knelt down to the bottom of the bonfire and let go of the torch. The flames quickly began to spread all the way around the bonfire and make their way up to your body. Like my arms wrapping around your body when I hugged you, it was an odd sensation to see; to see you lie there quietly as you burned away.

I could feel tears roll down my cheeks as I watched the scene in front of me, Isabelle wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to her but I didn't take my eyes off of you, I would never take my eyes off you.

It must have been an hour, before your body was gone and there was only flames left. I watched as the flames continued to overlap and kiss each other and I waited until someone moved, I didn't know how long these things go on for, I've never been to a funeral before. I never thought your funeral would be my first funeral I would attend.

All the wood was gone and some decided to put out the fire, it was Robert. I decided to untangle myself from Isabelle and not watch Robert, there would be nothing to see; nothing but ashes of you. Proof that you lived, proof that you died and proof that you were now gone and never coming back.

I walked away from all of them, not knowing where I would go and not wanting to care either.

After today, I wouldn't know what I would do.


End file.
